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Re: paint_it_black [2025][asd][adhd][nocomm]

yesterday i did smth very important
i started researching about my cptsd
i have all the cptsd sympthoms, very violent, very stable through all the years
i desperately need to do smth about it
nightmares do have a reason

it would be unbearable to go through with a therapist
that's so slow
i cannot tolerate smth important started and unfinished
and all the time it takes for another person to understand things right
also, i need very recent understanding of cptsd
working with a classic ptsd is no use to me
because it is a totally different thing

started with child abuse criteria
funny it feels such a barrier for me to apply the word to myself
confirmed
went into more details
looks there's loads of fresh research on it
there are scientific terms actually
it is extremely helpful

it was intense as fuck yesterday
took like 1-2 hours
i got what i needed

important on the method:
people talk a lot about abuse criteria in legal sense
criteria meant FOR THE COURT
where it is essential to protect smbd from being falsely accused
i don't need stuff like that
i just need to understand things as they are
one should look for criteria used in medical research
it's a totally different thing

another thing:
you don't need to go deep into the motives of the person who did you wrong
like, how they got to get this way, nobody cares
they are what they are
understanding what they are is a good thing, but without getting emotionally involved

need to focus on yourself
need to be very clear
not overestimate
not underestimate
be very exact in what happened and what didn't
actually HOW is same important as WHAT

not the ugliest sort of abuse that was
not like what one reads in the papers
but extremely damaging

looks like i was doing things right through the years
moving faster in understanding would be dangerous for myself
that was smth new to learn
i would like to know more about it

saved the records
created a pdf
sent to myself
will re-read and think

the whole thing was incredibly good to me, already

remember
world is somewhat dangerous and one should not relax
but it is not playing complex games
bad things happening are usually astonishingly plain and straightforward

the world is not playing games