Original - 27th August 2024
Update - 28th August 2024
My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I’m using his ex’s words against him?
Throwaway account because I don’t want my boyfriend to find this. I posted this elsewhere but thought this subreddit could help too.
I (28f) and my bf (30m) who we’ll call “Steve” have been together for 2 years and have been living together for 8 months. I was cleaning our apartment when I found a note in the back of a cabinet. For context sake, I’ll copy it below:
“Dear Steve’s Future Girlfriend,
I know it’s you reading this because he’d never clean back here. I’m putting this here because I’m leaving him soon and want to warn you about him:
He will not clean
He will not listen
He will make everything feel like it’s your fault
It’s not your fault, he’s just an incompetent man. I’m leaving him, I suggest you do the same.
Best wishes, Natalia “ (name changed)
I read the note and brought it to show to him and hear his response. He immediately ripped it up and said not to listen to it, that she was crazy and untrustworthy. I told him that the fact that he hasn’t found it in the 5 years since they broke up is a red flag to me because it does mean he’s never cleaned back there and that he has been cleaning less and less since I moved in. He told me that it wasn’t a problem before the note, this is just his ex continuing to manipulate and ruin his life and I was letting it work. We continued to argue along the same lines and I eventually left to spend the night at a friends place.
Steve has been a great boyfriend so far. He gets along with my family. He has given me gifts and flowers and always tells me how much he loves me. He’s not wrong that the cleaning hasn’t really been brought up before, the note made me realize it had been less and less and that we needed to have a full conversation. He texted me afterwards saying he’s sorry that I felt like I had to leave but that it’s an asshole move for me to take a note over our 2 year relationship and to leave him and our pets alone.
I don’t know what to do or what to believe right now. I’m contemplating trying to find and reach out to Natalia, her name in real life is pretty unique so I think I could find her. Steve thinks I should come back home and let it go, that his past should effect our future. I feel like I could be the asshole because everything Steve has said about Natalia does make it sound like she was manipulative and petty throughout their relationship, but I don’t know what to trust.
Edit: I realized I didn’t clarify enough about the points, especially the cleaning. thought I’d add it here:
When we moved in together 8 months ago, the cleaning was 50/50. Since then, he’s been doing things less and less and i’d say it’s at like 70/30, maybe 60/40 if he listens to me right away (it depends on the week). I have to remind him to do things like bring his plates to the sink or take out the trash and I didn’t have to before. The dishes will pile up unless I do them, to the point he’s had leftover food mold on the plates. I’m not a confrontational person so I was just asking him to fix it when it came up. The note made me reflect on it more and try to have an actual full conversation, and I will say I didn’t feel listened to when I talked to him about it. I tried to use the note to start a conversation about cleaning and he got so stuck on that I was listening to his ex instead of him, that he wouldn’t listen to what I think are valid concerns. He thinks I’m letting the note have “confirmation bias” so no matter what he says I’ll think he’s in the wrong.
Also, I didn’t leave him permanently, this all happened yesterday and I only spent one night at a friends because I didn’t feel like our conversation was going anywhere last night and he wouldn’t let me sleep until I let it go. I’m going back today and wanted to get advice and feedback before I do.
Edit 2: I appreciate all these comments with advice. I’m heading back to our place now. My plan is to first apologize for immediately bringing him the note without thinking of his feelings and validate that it’s hard to have an ex’s message found.
That being said, you’re all right that I’ve been letting the cleaning stuff get away. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to ask him repeatedly to clean. It was pointed out to me that he should’ve cleaned the shelves during his move from his ex’s place, the fact that it hasn’t been touched in 5 years is forcing me to take the not seriously. I don’t want to throw away 2 years so I am going to ask him to come up with some clear cleaning expectations with me and designated chores. I will make it clear that cleaning is absolutely a deal breaker for me. It’s his decision on how he wants to respond.
I’ll try to update you all. Again, thank you so much for the advice.
UPDATE:
I followed your advice from the last post and tried to have a calm discussion with Steve. When I apologized for confronting him with the note, he seemed to take that as an admission of guilt and refused to listen to anything else. I had come up with a list of specific instances of not cleaning like many of you suggested, and he said I was using lists just like his manipulative ex did. So yeah, the crazy ex thing you all said was a red flag was definitely true.
When I realized the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, he even tried to block me from leaving. That’s when I knew it was done and left immediately. 2 years down the drain, but I’m glad I had the wake up call before it was too late.
I will let him cool off and then will ask my brother to come with me to grab my things while he’s not there, he has a strict work schedule so I think it’ll work out. I am planning on leaving a note there, but probably a little longer with the advice to not show it to him. I’m leaving it in the exact same place, so if he doesn’t learn his lesson about cleaning, it’ll come to haunt him. All he has to do is clean.
The biggest surprise out of all of this is that I didn’t reach out to Natalia, she reached out to me. Apparently he borrowed his friend’s phone to call her screaming that she’s ruining his life still. The fact that she blocked him and he still had her number memorized just further confirms he was the crazy ex not her.
Natalia found me on social media and wanted to make sure I was okay and was especially concerned that he’d gaslight me like he tried with her. I thanked her for leaving me the note and saving me time. We scheduled coffee for Thursday afternoon.
I wanted to thank you all again for the advice, especially the person who posted the love is respect website. I took the healthy relationship quiz after our conversation and it wasn’t great. You called out how he was weaning me into an unhealthy relationship so well.
For now, my friend said I can stay until I find a new place. I have emergency savings and a decent job, so I’m in a privileged place when it comes to this messy break up and am just trying to feel grateful for that
Comments
gem1n-eye
Kinda sounds like everything she warned you about in the note came true. He had never cleaned there, he didn't listen to your concerns, and he turned it back around on you and somehow made it your fault. Red flag honestly.
Netlawyer
Any person who will leave food to mold on their dishes is not someone you want to live with. Family, roommate, bf/gf - that’s just a big no.
beatricky
On the plus side, could OP now leave a note for the NEXT girl to find, as the dirty (now ex) still won’t change?
CharlotteLucasOP
Steve might actually get off his ass and do a deep clean before he has another bangmaid over.
Mobius_Stripping
he wouldn’t let me sleep until I let it go
so i guess natalia forgot #4 - he’s a bully.
it’s almost ironic how easy it would have been for him to shut this entire thing down with the simplest of responses, “hmm, you’re right, i guess i have been slipping, i’ll make sure to clean more.” that immediately then counters points 2 & 3.
but he’d rather be right, and he’d rather be the aggrieved party.
you didn’t do anything wrong by trying to have a conversation off the back of that note, all things considered it’s a pretty funny thing to find, and his reaction should tell you everything.
Update - 1 day later
As you can tell by my original post, I like to do things right away. It was definitely a mistake to bring him the note right away, but doing the things I did this morning right away was not a mistake as it allowed me to save my pets.
First, I want to respond to the comments saying I broke up a 2 year relationship over a note and chores. No, I broke up a 2 year relationship because when I tried to come up with solutions to an unequal situation, his response was to yell and try to convince me there was no problem except me. The final straw was when he physically blocked me from leaving the house after he was screaming at me. That is not okay and no one should stay with a man who responds to conflict like that.
The actual update: I wound up texting the post to Natalia last night and she thought it was great. She, like some of you, asked me about the pets. For context, one of the things Steve and I connected on was our love for little creatures. It's why I thought he was such a great guy, because if he could take such intricate care of his lizard, he could do the same with me. I was very wrong. He has one lizard he bought before me and then we bought 2 frogs together. I have a snake I brought with me when I moved in. I was planning on waiting until he cooled down to go grab my things and the frogs and snake, thinking he would never hurt them, but Natalia changed my mind. She said he could get destructive when he's mad and was concerned about the safety of my little guys. I immediately knew I couldn't wait until later this week and reached out for a meeting with the landlord for early this morning.
I wound up facetiming with Natalia last night and we had a long discussion. Natalia is a lawyer and told me that in our state, landlords are required to let me get out of the lease I signed in cases of domestic violence. She also told me that his yelling, gaslighting, and refusing to let me leave are all types of abuse. It's definitely hard for me to sit with that, but the love is respect relationship quiz helped me also realize that a bit more last night. Apparently his constant messaging and control over what I wore and when were signs of abuse too.
Anyway, this morning Natalia volunteered to come talk to the landlord with me alongside my brother. As soon as he heard the word lawyer, he was on top of it and said I could break the lease, but would still have to pay for all of August even though I'm leaving 3 days early. I felt like that was fair. He also messaged Steve to say the apartment needed to be empty for emergency maintenance all day today so I could pack my things. Steve messaged back that he was at work all day and wouldn't be home until 6pm.
When I got into the apartment, it was a mess. He had broken my dishes that I had brought with me on the ground and left the shards laying about. My clothes were ripped up and scattered around our room. It was disgusting and heartbreaking. He left his lizard alone, but opened the tank doors for our frogs and my snake. Luckily the frogs were still chilling in their enclosure, but my snake had gotten loose. This made me the most mad, as she could have gotten cut on the broken plates. I feel so fortunate that she was just hiding in the closet corner and I was able to pack her up safely in her enclosure again. All my things are packed and I'm writing this as my brother drives me back to my friend's house right now.
Natalia told me that she actually left 3 notes, one in the cabinet, one on the underside of the vacuum, and one in the crumb catcher of the toaster. While we were there, we checked to see if the notes were still there. The one on the vacuum was but it looks like Steve did clean out the crumb catcher at least once in the past 5 years. He never told me he had already found a note in our conversations, so it caught me by surprise.
Natalia and I left the vacuum note as is and replaced the cabinet one. I wasn't comfortable leaving my name on a new note, so my addition was a handout on healthy vs unhealthy relationships and a qr code to the quiz that woke me up. (I'll put it in the comments, I'm not sure if I can have an outside link)
Natalia said if he didn't find the notes in those 5 years, especially after the move, he probably won't find them again. I'm inclined to agree, especially given he did find one but then didn't even clean the rest of the house to see if there was anymore. Steve doesn't make sense to me and seeing the state of the apartment really woke me up to the fact that I have no idea who he is. The Steve I knew would never put animals in danger, but I don't think I really ever knew Steve.
To the people saying it's pathetic that I broke up my relationship because of chores and reddit, I encourage you to reflect on the subtle ways that abuse starts. This reddit thread woke me up to it and gave me the resources to get out safely before it got any worse.
I also made an appointment for a therapist. I'm very lucky that my job has good insurance so I should be able to work through this relationship and am hoping to focus on boundaries and my people pleasing habits so I never find myself in this situation again.
To the people wishing that Natalia and I would get together, we had a good laugh about it. Natalia is engaged to a wonderful man who cleans, listens, and reflects. She said there's a phenomenon that when people break up with their awful ex, their soulmate can quickly follow. I'm hoping that's true. Regardless, I do think I got a good friend out of this, especially since Natalia is a snake mom too.
This is my final update. I hope if you learn anything from my experience, it's that abuse doesn't start right away. First there's love bombing, gifts, and pretty words. And then slowly, they test how much you'll put up with. You should never have to put up with anything, especially moldy freaking plates.
TLDR: After ending things due to his behavior, Steve destroyed our apartment and let my snake loose, but I was able to get off the lease and get my things with Natalia's help. Now I am safe and am looking for a new place to live.
Comments
OOP: The quiz: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-y … althy/?%3E
MadamKitsune
but it looks like Steve did clean out the crumb catcher at least once in the past 5 years.
Steve probably didn't have a choice for that one. The paper and crumbs mix would have started smoking at some point.
) 
